In Which I Digress.

Dear Readers,

I'm sorry I haven't posted in forever!

School is... Just about prison.

And to think... I don't get to go home until the 22-23rd. -__-

Anyways.

Today I wanted to talk to you about something that has been on my mind since my drive home on Friday of last weekend with my two best girlfriends from highschool.

We were just chatting about girly things... You know, the usual: douchy guys who dump you because you won't put out [what my one friend went through], and best friends who are dating someone who isn't right for them, and how frustrated we were about these stressful situations.

That's when my friend J piped up... 

[Just FYI, I will always use initials for people's names in my blog unless I have their specific permission to use their full name. But bloggers, I usually use first initial and last name, just cause their name is already on the web. Got it? Good.]

J: "I need a boyfriend!"

Me: "What? No you don't."

K: "Yeah."

J: "Well, think about it: I'm in my first year of university and I haven't... Done anything."

K: "What do you mean you've never done anything?"

In my head I was thinking: J, you've been to EUROPE.

J: "Well, I've never had a boyfriend..." I opened my mouth to say something, but she interrupted me. "The one doesn't count. I just mean that I've never done any, like, boyfriend/girlfriend stuff."

K: "Well, mine barely counts for me, you know."

Me: "Oh hush..."

We laugh.

Me: "Srsly, J. You're the lucky one. No, really. Wanna know how I remember big events? Oh yeaaah.. That's when I was dating [insert boyfriend's name here]. I define myself by who I'm dating. You're better than that. You're yourself all the time, and you don't care what everyone else thinks. You don't take anyone's crap. You don't NEED a guy to complete you. You are the image of confidence. You know, I have always been jealous of your confident attitude. I look up to you. Don't you dare think you need someone else to edify your worth."

J: "Wow. Thanks. I love you."

Me: "I love you too."

And that conversation got me thinking...

WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING?!

I am NOT who I'm dating.

I am more than just "His girlfriend".

I am Emma.

Daughter of the King.

Daughter.

Sister.

Student.

Servant.

Leader.

Friend.

Girl.

God spent too much time on me for me to just find my worth in the words of a boy.

I have learned that I need to find my worth in Jesus, before any words that A can say to me will have any gravity.

I have to love MYSELF before I can let him love me.

And this whole defining myself by a boy is not a mistake I've made with A; it's a mistake I've made in the past, and he and I have to live with the scars I've earned from giving myself away to easily, from making someone my priority when I was only an option.

A is my friend before anything else.

He always approaches situations first as my friend...

And that's why he is a great boyfriend. [Btdubs... I think the word boyfriend is super weird.]

And he truly loves me...

After seeing me at my worst.

That's it, right there.

This Psalm always encourages me to love myself.

It reminds me how close God is to me...

He knows me best, and yet, He died so I could live, in spite of all the stupid things I do.

He owned my scars.

They don't hurt me anymore.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

 ¹ You have searched me, LORD, 

   and you know me. 

² You know when I sit and when I rise; 

   you perceive my thoughts from afar. 

³ You discern my going out and my lying down; 

   you are familiar with all my ways. 

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue 

   you, LORD, know it completely. 

⁵ You hem me in behind and before, 

   and you lay your hand upon me. 

⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 

   too lofty for me to attain.

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit? 

   Where can I flee from your presence? 

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there; 

   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn, 

   if I settle on the far side of the sea, 

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me, 

   your right hand will hold me fast. 

¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me 

   and the light become night around me,” 

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you; 

   the night will shine like the day, 

   for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being; 

   you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

   your works are wonderful, 

   I know that full well. 

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you 

   when I was made in the secret place, 

   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 

¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body; 

   all the days ordained for me were written in your book 

   before one of them came to be. 

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God! 

   How vast is the sum of them! 

¹⁸ Were I to count them, 

   they would outnumber the grains of sand— 

   when I awake, I am still with you.

 ¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked! 

   Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! 

²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent; 

   your adversaries misuse your name. 

²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD, 

   and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? 

²² I have nothing but hatred for them; 

   I count them my enemies. 

²³ Search me, God, and know my heart; 

   test me and know my anxious thoughts. 

²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me, 

   and lead me in the way everlasting.

If you guys were wondering where I got the idea for my blogpost titles this month, make your way to J. Mahon's blog!

He is an incredible comedic writer.

Thanks for reading.

Post again soon!

And feel free to comment, or email me at the blog address: emma.cate.blog@gmail.com.

DFTBA.

Love Always,

Emma Cate